Captain Canard

Dan’s Helpful Computer Tips

With the imminent threat of pandemic flu, it is important to take precautions at home and at work to ensure you stay healthy (especially if you have no insurance and mistrust the government). What does this have to do with computers? Recent environmental surveys show that computer keyboards are one of the most disgusting things you can touch, right after the telephone and that plastic lunch container someone left in the break room refrigerator for nine months. Laboratory tests conducted on keyboards have shown traces of dirt, feces, peanut byproducts, crystal meth, yellowcake uranium, yogurt, orange traffic cones, anal retentiveness, paranoia, perjury, angina, penal colonies (of germs), toxic shock syndrome, and dust. And that’s just on the letter “X.”

Here’s a few simple steps you can perform weekly to combat the problem of filthy, disease-ridden keyboards.

Cleaning a Computer Keyboard at Work or at Home

1. Fill your office garbage can with warm water.
2. Add some soap and a cup of bleach.
3. Stir with a ruler or three-hole punch.
4. Place keyboard in the garbage can (mop up displaced water).
5. Let the keyboard soak for about a half hour.
6. Remove the keyboard and allow it to drip-dry (I suggest you wrap the keyboard cord around a door knob and let it hang)
7. Plug it in (or call IT support) and get to work.

I hope you found this short note helpful and informative. Now go wash your hands.

Dan Burt
A+ Certified

Visiting the Easter Bat

It has become a yearly tradition (at least this year) to round up the neighborhood kids and take them to visit the Easter Bat.

At sunset, we hiked deep into the woods and gathered outside the dark cave to wait for the flying mammal’s arrival. In the darkness, the children mused about what the Easter Bat might bring. Some children suggested eggs and candy, but I reminded them only a fucking rabbit would do that. Now think! What kind of gifts do you think a bat will bring? The sniffling, crying group could think of nothing else. Well, I guess that’s what they’ll get.

After waiting around for a half hour or so in the night chill, some the kids wanted to go home, especially the ones that had not told their parents where they were going. I suggested that a few of the kids should go into the cave and see if they could roust the bat out. A few brave amateur spelunkers did just that—three dashing in, two running out in terror surrounded by a cloud of Easter Bats spilling out of the cave and followed by the lumbering form and loud roar of the Easter Bear (with part of the missing tyke on his paw).

The group scattered, filling the woods with the Easter sounds of terrifying shrieks. I decided to rush home and watch The Family Guy. I can’t wait until the coming of the Leaping Lesbian Lizards of Labor Day (http://tinyurl.com/LeapingLesbianLizards).

Walking With Dinosaurs in Alabama

The family and I went to Birmingham, Alabama, to watch “Walking with Dinosaurs.” I believe two kids were killed at a previous show, so we anticipated an exciting night. Everybody wore old clothes because I expected dinosaur smell would get on everything.

The show was ok, but I kind of expected more. There were a few surprises however:

-I didn’t expect the Brachiosaurus to take a huge crap in the middle of the arena.  I don’t think the emcee expected it either, he seemed kind of embarrassed, especially when he almost slipped in it.  They had to go to a 40-minute intermission to clean it up.  The smell was horrendous.

-All the dinosaur sex (and it was supposed to be a family show!)

-No one was killed, but they did let a live chicken loose on the arena floor where it proceeded to squawk and run around. It was kind of funny until one of the dinosaurs stepped on it, then it was hilarious. The emcee grabbed the still twitching chicken carcass, held it above his head, and let the blood drip into his mouth. That part was a little creepy.

-The special Dancing With Dinosaurs segment featuring Cloris Leachman, who actually raised some of the creatures as pets.

-Also, it was a bit surprising when Jesus came riding out on the Torosaurus

All in all, a fun night, with memories for a lifetime.

How About a Little Scrumpy, Mate

A few months ago, I watched a PBS travel show where the host was making his way through England. He stopped at a place in Western England and sampled a popular drink called scrumpy* cider. Here’s a list of other names you could call scrumpy cider and it would still sound as delectable:

• stumpy
• scruffy
• sluicey
• scratty
• scumpy
• scrotty
• numblers
• dingo juice (Australian version)

*Scrumpy is a local dialect term meaning small or withered apple.